Evryone should know as good ramen noodle cooked in beer sounds... its not
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
