i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
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