I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Randomize
