Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.