i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
These 25 People Believed Fake Facts For Way Too Long
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
23 Adults Confess The Irrational Fears They Had When They Were Kids
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.