I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
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