I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
