His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Randomize
