I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
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