I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
