you have to choose: penises or morals?
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
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