walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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