3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
