before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Randomize
