1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Randomize
