If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Randomize
