Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Randomize
