Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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