there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
