In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
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