if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
life just isnt the same w/o real world cancun
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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