My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
