I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
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