Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
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