I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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