I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
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