Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Randomize
