it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
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