see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Randomize
