i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
