youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
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the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
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