"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
These 23 People Had The Most Insane Spring Breaks Ever
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
25 Women On How They Let Their Oblivious Partners Know They Want To Bone
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.