I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
