If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
25 People Share How They Got Out Of Their Longest Dry Spell
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
21 People Confess Their Craziest Online Dating Experience
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.