I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
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Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
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After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now