wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
