I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Randomize
