I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
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