her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
