If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
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