You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
