I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Randomize
