my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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