Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
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