This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
