Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
