Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
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