I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
Randomize
