Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
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