1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
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