I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
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