can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Randomize
