so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
