I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
