I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
