I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Randomize
