I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
