Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
