someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
Randomize
