I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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