gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
