So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
Randomize
