I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
Randomize
